Stuff that Happened to Me

Someone farted in the library. When such a taboo noise happened in such a quiet and serious place, it touched the 9-year-old in me and led me to cover my face with my hands. Bless the little absurdities. I was surprised that it made me smile because I was down. Refer to the second thing that happened to me:

I found out that my boyfriend does not have tunnel vision when it comes to me. Interpret that as you will, because if you don't already know I'm not explaining. Unless you're Tracy.

I ate an Indian dessert that looked exactly like testicles. Same day of the library fart. Proof that the forces were saying, Cheer up, life was made with a sense of humor, that's why there are desserts that look like testicles. And the platypus.

I'm not kidding about this. I am so incredibly sad that I didn't have my camera on me when I was served that dessert. Everything was right – the size, color, shape....texture. Eew! And to make it worse, there were exactly two of them, hanging out right next to each other in the bowl. I got over my initial aversion and ended up eating them, because despite their off-putting nature, they were sugary sweet! It was a one-off thing though.

And the strangest thing that happened....our roommates disappeared without a trace...or that was their plan, anyway. It's as if they had silently hated us the whole time without ever mentioning it. The only possible reason I can think of is the one time when we left dishes on the counter and came home to find them placed in a bag and on the floor, along with a full bag of trash. They weren't even going to say anything about it, or to us, but it was too silly to let them get away with it. I hate drama. It's fine for them to be upset about it, but don't be petty. So I asked them if those were dishes in the bag, and if they were 'our' dishes. After they awkwardly affirmed that they were, I promptly washed them. And if that's the reason they wanted to leave without warning us or saying goodbye, then damn. And it has to be the only reason. Which is odd, because they often left dirty dishes undone for hours as well.

They have always been very withdrawn, and liked to stay within their own little unit as a couple, but they used to talk to us some. When they were home they'd sit in front of the TV until bedtime, and sometimes I'd sit next to them and talk a bit. Neither were very forthcoming or personable. But the last couple of weeks we nearly stopped seeing them altogether and they quit talking to us beyond “Hi.” We'd come in, they'd slowly turn their heads, mumble a weak hello, and then turn back toward the TV and go on pretending we didn't exist.

I have no idea why, but apparently these masters of passive aggression hated us so much they hatched a plan to move out without saying goodbye or telling us that they were even doing so. Adam found out they were leaving when our landlord stopped by to show their room to someone. She said they were moving out in two days. Which was today. We were very curious to see whether they'd actually tell us they were moving out and that we'd be getting new roommates, so we decided to keep quiet. We came home last night (this was after I'd had the sugar testicles) and did the whole routine, where they glance at us, say hello with a small smile, and then go back to the TV. I did the 3 dishes we'd left in the sink from earlier that day, took out the trash since they hadn't. Then they went to bed without saying goodnight. It was 8:30.

This morning the girl roommate left without any word, Adam left for work and the boy roommate said “alright” when Adam said “See you later.” I went back to sleep, having not yet come out of the room. I was going to let him leave in peace. But when I heard the door opening and closing over and over, signaling the fact that he was actually taking his stuff out of the door and leaving, I couldn't stand it. I jumped up, got dressed and strolled out into the living room. I think he assumed I was at work; he looked surprised and sheepish to see me.

“How are ya!” I said.

“Fine...tired!” and he laughed a little, he was sweaty and panting from all the heavy lifting.

I was gonna make him squirm.

It was then that I noticed the toilet paper roll on the counter. Adam had told me before he left that they had taken a roll from the package that we had just early that morning put in the bathroom. Now this is what blows my mind. They try to up and move out without telling us, without saying nice to know you, and on top of it, steal a toilet paper roll?? No no no. We came home to a perilously low stock of toilet paper the night before they left, which they hadn't bothered to replenish though there were about 3 squares left. Nevermind the fact that they NEVER ONCE bought toilet paper for the apartment (we let it slide because they bought dish soap, even though it costs a third as much), but they felt ok to take a roll that we had just bought on the morning that they snuck out??? A roll for the apartment, that we bought, the apartment that they were right about to sneak out of? Why do you need toilet paper when traveling anyway? They must really hate us! But I do not know why!!

Anyway, I grabbed the roll from the counter and placed it right back in its spot in the bathroom. That is apartment toilet paper, not to leave the premises, especially not with jerks like that, and ESPECIALLY not when we paid for it. Of course, the roommate was too passive aggressive to say anything.

I sat in front of the TV with him and calmly drank my water while he waited for the landlord to come, juuuust to freak him out. Thought you could sneak away and avoid any awkwardness, roomie? Nah, I think I'm gonna sit right here next to you and chitchat!

However, I could have done better with my campaign to call him out, if I were just a little more assertive and asked the big neon question of whether they were going to tell us that they were moving out, or at least say bye bye? But my god, it was awkward (though I did enjoy it in a way). You could practically see the giant elephant standing in front of the TV. And I just couldn't do it.

Though he didn't explain why they wanted to sneak away from us, he claimed that they were just sick of Auckland, and he was sick of his nighttime job, and that they were going to Christchurch, and then on their bus tour.

There were a couple false alarms, where he left but said he was coming back, to keep me from starting the awkward goodbye process, but the last time he said that I left the apartment before he came back, since he'd said the he'd just seen the long-sought-after vacuum cleaner being brought downstairs. I went to grab it, thinking I'd be back before he was, but it took longer than I planned, because the vacuum wasn't anywhere to be found. When I came back to the apartment empty-handed, he wasn't there, and never came back. So unfortunately I never got to force him to do the awkward goodbye.

Damn! Foiled! And I suspect, since I couldn't find the vacuum he claimed to have seen, he was actually that scared, that he made a desperate attempt to send me away – and it worked.

Wow.

Scaredy cat scaredy cat scaredy scaredy scaredy cat!

Is all that incredibly rude and strange to anyone else? Can I get a witness?

What a disappointing last couple of days. At least all the sad and awkward moments were punctuated by funny farts and sugar testicles.